HOW MY LIFE IS A SEE-SAW (OR A ROLLER COASTER, OR ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIGHS AND LOWS)

ALSO KNOWN AS "I MIGHT BE BIPOLAR" 

 

 I usually feel chill on most days, but there ARE days where my temper flare up and I EXPLODE with anger for no real reason besides irritability.  When those moments happen, I also tend to ignore any advice given by those nearby despite repeatedly asking for help on those exact things they're giving the advice on.

 

Today's issue first started when my nearly perma-miserable mood got me put on time out on a Discord server I usually talk in because they're getting sick & tired of my toxic attitude.  I responded that IDK what other attitude to have when most of what i see IS negative in nature and such.  Yes, they do suggest getting off the internet, but I can think of 4 letters that would bring me back in almost immediately when I try to stay offline (or at the very least off Discord/social media) for even a week.

FOMO 
 

Yes, fear of missing out on the one or two GOOD things i see online in those spaces keep me from wanting to quit them for even a week.  I'm also getting to the point, though, that I also feel I'm cutting myself from "normal" society (aka non-online communities) to the point where it's become unhealthy for my mental health, well being, and mood.

Imagine being in the same room for most of your day, dealing with the same folks and to the same things at around the same times day after day.

And then remove the cubical farm of an office/place of employment from said mental image and replace it with 1 person, a laptop, and a bedroom.

 That's me in a nutshell, and I hate it...

 Another problem I have is, when I'm NOT in one of those moods, is that IDK how to exactly express WHAT my issues are to anyone I'm asking for help from.... not my parents, not any therapists, and not any other professionals whose jobs it is to take care of situations like mine.  Heck, my therapist pretty much gave up on me like everyone else who tried to help me with my issues in this regard (the anger/mood/etc).

 AND THEN THERE'S THE SUPERIORITY I FEEL OVER HALF THE PEOPLE I COMMUNICATE WITH ONLINE

I swear, half the people who i talk to ON Discord are kids who 1: probably shouldn't even *HAVE* an account as stated by the Terms of Service for the thing and 2: know little to nothing on how computers work or how to use a Windows operating system.

 And I mean basic stuff like renaming files or dragging and dropping between folders! 

Not to mention those who seem to have trouble navigating menus on game show fan games (makers I won't mention here since I've all but stopped doing things game made by the guy this particular game was made by...

Going back to my explosive fits of rage... once i get started on one, it takes a while to calm me down. Some say I even TRY ways to keep it going just to keep it going, but I'm tired of it all.

Oh, and there's one thing that gets brought up a lot that's disturbing, but I won't mention here as not to cause anyone to have to call any hotlines...

One thing I forgot to mention in all this ranting is that I also seem to be in a bit of "Permanent Boredom" when it comes to the games i play, and I'm not willing to risk playing new games (aka my Steam backlog) quite yet... and it's a big backlog thanks to the likes of Steam Sales and Humble Bundles.

TL:DR....My typical week, in no particular order

😫😫😫😠😫😫😫

 Another thing I forget, I always tend to find scapegoats to blame when I'm in these bouts of anger, including...

  • IDIOTS I SEE IN FICTIONAL CRIME DRAMAS
  • IDIOTS I SEE TRYING TO RUN A SCAM AND RUNNING INTO A SMART JUDGE
  • IDIOTS IN THE NEWS DOING ACTUAL CRIME
  • IDIOTS IN GENERAL 
  • POLITICIANS ALSO BEING IDIOTS WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR CAMPAIGNS, IF NOT THE ADS BY PARTIES *NOT AFFILIATED* WITH EITHER SIDE DIRECTLY

Notice a trend? I think 95% of the world is dumb, and when all you see when you try to talk to folk online are those idiots... you get this sort of impression

Before I end this post that's probably became a rant... my mind just can't relax when I want it to. Not when I try to think happy thoughts to get away from the explosive anger, not when I try to fall asleep (it takes forever for me to finally do so), and not when trying to meditate (as if I ever tried)

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